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  • Writer's pictureJulie Galloway, LPC-RPT

Get the Basics for a Bougie Life- Relationship Goals

When I am having a bad day, who am I going to call? Who calls me when they are having a tough day?

Who gives me encouragement?

To some people, these questions are simple and answered with truth and appreciation. To others, these questions are the ones that are marked with sadness, hurt and fear. This blog is intended for EVERYONE young and old.

The Basics-There is one super duper important universal need for every single human being, connectedness. The need to attach is what drives us. Our desire for meaningful relationships does not change because of gender, sexual orientation, culture, social economic background or ethnicity. This one will shock you... age doesn't matter either. People NEED People.

Bougie- currently is noted as an adjective that refers to wealth and respectability.

If I can successfully connect to another human or humans then I have the potential to thrive at home, school, work and in this big huge world... full of chaos, stressors and even covid. I am serious, when I create bonds that are rooted in emotional support then I will gain confidence to try on or explore new ideas, experiences and outlooks. This is the makings of that bougie life.

Real meaningful relationships are vital for physical, mental and emotional survival. And people who have reliable emotional support systems function better in all major areas of well-being. Why?

When I know I am not alone, that there is someone in this crazy world that just gets me...I inhale basic and exhale the bougie.

To get the bougie life we really have to take a quick look around at the foundation to our basic beginnings.

The impact on how we connect with others usually stems from our earliest experiences in childhood. Not to bore you with too many facts but it makes sense to know that we learn most of what we know about relationships from our family. Our parents learned what they know from their parents and experiences. But if you ask anyone, most adults will admit that they continue to struggle with their own parent relationships even after they become parents themselves.

The parent child relationship is irreplaceable. We will not replace this relationship with other people; not with our friends, spouses, siblings and other family members. So why is one of the most basic relationships so difficult to navigate and how can it really be so important to our ability to connect with others in a meaningful way?

The Basics

The 3 basic types of attachments styles that influence our relationships begin during infancy.

  1. Secure- having the ability to communicate emotional needs and receive predicable and appropriate responses. This creates awareness that they have the ability to influence their caregivers thus creating a sense of comfort and competence with others. These children become adults who display flexibility and success with interpersonal relationships and are actually functioning autonomously.

  2. Avoidant- when emotional needs were ignored or misunderstood creating the need to self-soothe. This may result with insecurities in relationships and appearing distant or avoiding. These children become adults who do not want to be needed or willing to ask for help when they need it.

  3. Anxious- responses are unpredictable or unreliable and can be insensitive to emotional needs which creates hypervigilance. This may result with intense behaviors that may appear aggressive or quickly shift and change when they fear abandonment.

We are physically most vulnerable when we are children because we are dependent on adults for our very survival. These experiences become our subconscious, our inner robots, and influence our beliefs and expectations about ourselves and relationships with others. Our parents, grandparents and caregivers are our role models for connecting to the outside world.

Do NOT freak out...this does not mean that you can not create a change in your behavior. Actually, we are shaping and changing daily through our life experiences. And for the record...once you know something you can't not know it.

The Bougie Life in 3

  1. One-For the Parent.

I often tell my clients that if we want to see our kids using a coping skill than we have to model that. If we want our kids to talk to us, we have to be willing to demonstrate and listen. If we want our kids to have healthy relationships, then we need them, too.

This whole idea that we don't want to share with our children that we need something or that we need help sets the wheels in motion for unrealistic expectations in adulting. Saying that "I want to help you but I don't know how" or "I don't know how to fix this can you help me?" can create a connection that is built with the idea that I am not in an all knowing position, that your participation is necessary and meaningful to ME. Children want to connect with you, too. Feeling loved, accepted and appreciated is a relationship must for both you and your child. When our children connect with us at home then they will feel confident enough to find those healthy meaningful relationships with other people.

Make no mistake, this relationship is complex and different than all other relationships. What we know is provided to us by extensive research with the end results emphasizing the benefits of healthy connections. This is the relationship where our children learn to regulate emotions under stress and difficult life experiences. It really does lay the foundation for their personality, life choices, behaviors, social and communication skills. Healthy relationships equal humans that are overall happy and lead mentally healthy lives. So many parents struggle with forming healthy bonds with their children, that's why we have so many parenting book. Which reminds me...

When I know I am not alone, that there is someone in this crazy world that just gets me...I inhale basic and exhale the bougie.

2. Two-For the Child.

You want independence and feel that asking for help makes you sound weak, needy or some sign that you aren't intelligent, right? Nope! Research indicates that when a person feels safe they are able to create positive relationships which actually leads to more independence. What?!? I know... mind blowing! Practicing the relationship connection really does start at home. It's typically the safest place to practice your vulnerability. (Big concept of being your real self no matter what) The people at home are the ones who help you when you're sick, they know you without make up and hair gel. They see you...all of you. And be real, you want independence but you still need to borrow the car, 20 bucks, need help at the doctor's office when they ask about your medical history and help watching your kids...You need 'em.

You are the only one who really knows what you need. Parents WILL guess and make up crazy scenarios if you are not connecting with them. They will almost always create a darker story in their head about what is going on with you than what the reality of your struggle really details. It's totally okay to tell them what you need before you share. It might sound like "I have something I want to tell you but I don't need you to fix it, I just want you to listen" or "I've been struggling with a situation and its keeping me up at night, I don't want to disappoint you but I need to tell you..."or "I made a mistake today when I..." The key is using honesty which means the whole story...absence of full disclosure is still a lie. Your parents are expecting you to make mistakes, they are expecting you to struggle and they want to help you...especially when you are a parent yourself. However, your parents are allowed to make mistakes, freak out and struggle with not knowing what to say and do. It's reality.

Feel like you're parent falls in the avoidant or anxious category (see the 2-3). Remember, your parents aren't perfect, they struggle, too. Be the change and ask for help. Connecting with your parents, might be requesting an open and honest conversation about what you need and want in a relationship with them, maybe requesting individual or family counseling might be necessary. Friendly can try using this blog. Maybe, you don't have the opportunity to have contact with your parent, sometimes it's in the knowing that allows the healing to occur and change to begin. Don't discount the time needed for this whole bougie life. Rome was not built in a day. Which reminds me...

When I know I am not alone, that there is someone in this crazy world that just gets me...I inhale basic and exhale the bougie.

3. Three- Adulting.

Just because you enter adulthood doesn't mean you stop needing help and support from other people. Actually, we typically find those supports in our romantic partners, a safe place from the adulting. Healthy relationships in adulthood take work which involves communication, honesty, patience and emotional self-regulation. These relationships provide the extra cushion we need to do awesome things and explore new situations. Why is that?

Say it with me...When I know that I am not alone, that there is someone in this crazy world that just gets me...I inhale basic and exhale the bougie.

Like what you read and want more? Check out or call to book an appointment 337-258-5199. Don't forget...sharing is caring.

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