Most of us have figured out the basic facts that relationships take time to develop. We need time to share deeper more meaningful parts about ourselves. We know that a mutual exchange from someone that "just gets us" creates that safe and trusting relationship that helps us thrive because we feel accepted and loved.
People feel more confident when they have someone they can reach out to when they need emotional support.
This usually means that this someone has been there for a long time, a person who has been reliable and trustworthy. A partner or maybe even your person (BFF).
Got the Extra
(Extra- doing the absolute most)
When we transition to adulthood, we are just figuring relationships out. We may have just established our first mature relationship or in the process of finding one. We are exploring the early stage of relationship development, we are doing the extras...extra time finding new ways to foster connections, the extra attention we give, the extra accommodations we are willing to provide, and the extra care we put toward our self care. It's the time when we feel extra, too.
Losing the Extra
Real life kicks our butts. The constant demands that grab our attention definitely dull our extras. Most of us will attempt to balance work, social and family life but sadly we often fall short. If we are in a committed relationship than we often place our emotional needs and the needs of our partner or person aside just to make it through the day. And maybe the day to day demands act as a distraction from not wanting...to connect, emotionally. It's a drag...another thing that needs attention. But if you want it, you got to give it, too. Remember, when we feel connected we are more confident which means we are living the good life.
Facts-We all fall victim to missing the emotional cues that are being sent to us or maybe we intentionally disregard those cues. Regardless, when and if we miss those cues we are negatively impacting our relationships. We are basically rejecting them. When we do that, we are creating the cycle of hurt. Really, it's true. Ignoring or missing the emotional cues stops our people from the willing...the willing to take emotional risks with us. Go ahead and roll those eyes. But this is when our people begin to place that armor on, protecting themselves from the rejection and pain. When the armor goes on...we get less communication, less vulnerability and more distance which threatens the relationship.
What happened to the Extra??
Now that you have the emotional supports that you needed all that extra for...you give up the accommodating, the willingness and attention? Sure life gets busy...you have kids to raise and bills to pay but you also need that person who "just gets you," too. For healthier more confident people we need our emotional supports. We need them!
If you think about it...it is way less trouble to give your person the attention by acknowledging the cues than ignoring it. Or simply say..."I see you" or "You are important to me can we check in later." Just a simple acknowledgement will buy you time until you can sit down and be attentive.
No Extra?
But I know reality, so we ignore the cues and our people feel rejected (difficult emotions) which drive those behaviors. We continue to ignore the cues and the cycle repeats but with a louder effect. A pattern will appear, the most popular pattern is with one person wanting attention and the other stonewalling. Both people are feeling emotionally distant and disconnected. This usually ends with negative outcomes like arguing, fighting and melt downs because of the fear, anger and doubt that comes along with disconnections. Eventually we are just miserable and the opposite of confident.
Get the EXTRA
Take time to attend to your people.
Make it a priority!
If you have emotional supports, let them feel the EXTRA.
If you need emotional supports, do the EXTRA.
Because fostering our relationships gets us to that connection that we all want and the confidence we all need to do great things. Everyone needs someone who just gets them.
If you need help with the EXTRA contact Galloway Counseling Services at 337-258-5199 and make an appointment today! For more information check out our website at www.galloway-counseling.com